Tuesday, June 9, 2009

An update

First, some updates.

1. I hope to make it through the next two weeks without binging. That's going from almost once a day. My hands are scarred and this is just plain stupid and senseless. As positive reinforcement, every day that I don't binge I get a sticker on my calendar. Funny enough I really enjoy this, and am looking forward to picking out my sticker later tonight. :) Hopefully in two weeks I'll have a really pretty calendar to post a photo of. If I can't do this, I have promised myself to talk to my physician and seek professional help.

2. I hope to take up yoga and or meditation, I feel it would be very good for me. In the past I've always been a bit bored with yoga, but I've looked to it as a physical exercise... perhaps if I look to it as an emotional exercise I will take to it better.

3. I have been reading Real Recovery from Bulimia & Binge Eating and doing some of the exercises. This site is helping me a lot.

I just read: Why Do People Become Bulimic

I was expecting so much bullshit, and instead found so much truth.

Some quotations:

Bulimics are often considered “ideal” children, and will go out of their way to be “people pleasers.” They present an acceptable facade—seeming outgoing, confident, and independent— while anxious feelings bubble underneath. They may be valued for not needing to be nurtured, for taking care of themselves, and for growing up early. Bulimia is a way of expressing what cannot be said directly in words, in this case something like, “I want to be taken care of,” or “Will you love me as I am?”

Sometimes, people use bulimia to postpone growing up. The child who has looked to others for validation and feelings of selfworth and who has assumed a “perfect little girl” role because it works at home may experience tremendous fear at having to trust herself and face the outside world alone. This insecurity is sometimes unconsciously reinforced by parents who also do not want to let go.

This rang true in so many ways. It also reminds me of something my last boyfriend said, the night we broke up (we had a very good chat after we broke up about this and that..) "It didn't surprise me that you were bulimic. You're always trying to be perfect, even though you don't even seem to know what perfect is. You're not even sure what you're trying to be."

As mean as that may sound, I love him a little for saying it, because I realized it was true.


girl said...

hihi! i am (was!) a lurker on your blog, but i've decided to come out into the light (haha:D)
have determination and motivation okay? maybe whenever you feel like b/p, just type an entry into your blog or visit other blogs to keep yourself occupied!

btw, i'm from SINGAPORE!!!

girl said...

oh, and my name's not girl, it's maggie lol.

Morgan said...

Hi, lover. You're being so vulnerable - that in itself is huge. Usually when I stop eating I even hide it from myself ("I'm not REALLY hungry...").

What a great idea about the chart!! I would LOVE to see that photo :) Last summer I took "Eating Disorders for Dummies" out from the library and it helped me a surprising amount, as well .

Yoga is great because it makes me feel better about my body. Like I respect it for the motions it can make. I don't get that as much from other exercise.

All power to ya, girl. I'm looking forward to hearing how your two weeks progress :)

Manda said...

Maggie--I'm flattered to know my blog has followers, and really glad you have changed from being a lurker to a poster! :) Thanks for the best wishes!

Morgan--Thanks! I was considering posting my 'life story' sort of thing, but there are a few things keeping me back. Thanks for the tips, and yeah--like one of the reasons my posting has gone to almost zero is its hard to confront, you know? I'd rather say nothing and pretend its not there! But every so often I bite down and post!