Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Skewed Perception.

Today I kept thinking about how fat my jeans made me look. They're two sizes two big, so its sorta normal that that happens, so I decided to go get some new jeans. I discovered I'm between a size 1 and 3.. maybe 4 in some really tight jeans. Yet I still am convinced I look fat. Size inflation or not--how ridiculous is that? I KNOW I'm wrong, but can't help but see myself as chubby. And I'm also aware that I'm relatively toned from going to the gym regularly for over 6 months, so its not even the good ol' "small but chubby" (20% body fat is after all considered fit.)

I see girls who are really really thin and generally think "gosh I hope I never get that small".. so why am I pushing myself towards it? Honestly, the girls I'm really jealous of tend to be either a)very toned or b)very tall. So the solution would be to go to the gym, and stop obsessing about weight, and/or get my bones elongated. Since you know, I sort of doubt I'll get the intensive surgery that would be required to make me 5'9", maybe I should just take comfort in knowing if I keep active I'll slowly but surely get more toned... and focus on eating healthy, not skinny.

Wonderful advice, right?

Anyway.. that's my day then.

Monday, June 1, 2009

So the weekend was amazing. I had less episodes, and managed to control somewhat those I had (cutting them off not long after they start... working on not having them start at all, of course, but you take what you can get. At least this is physically less harmful to me!) I discovered my absolute love for gardening.. not surprising I suppose considering how I love studying plants and working in the greenhouse. In any case I planted tomatoes, parsley, cilantro, onions and cucumbers. I'll plant basil sometime this week, as it's good for tomato growth (and tasty of course).. I just really enjoy working in the dirt and making things pretty.

K and I spent Saturday finding him a sofa.. it was actually hilarious to do, just all the different, ridiculous, sofas out there.. the even more ridiculous salesmen, and then meeting Larry: an old, friendly, old-school salesman who charmed our socks off. We went for Ethiopian after and it was absolutely AMAZING.. I don't know what else to say about it. I love that the vegetarian dishes are intrinsically vegan, and the injera (a bready-product, made with teff) is gluten free. Usually injera tastes like napkin, but at the restaurant we went to (Nazareth, at Bloor and Ossington, for those who care) it was awesome!

Sunday we went and watched Up: honestly, that movie is beautiful, simply beautiful. I cried three times, and K must have at least once (I wasn't counting for him, but I noticed he had to wipe his eyes). I really love watching movies with him, as he really makes you appreciate them a lot more. (He is in the film industry, so it makes sense)

I also made some more salsa and black bean dip the other day, and K being a salsa aficionado got half the batch. He claims he loves it, and promises he's the sort that usually would criticize salsa and generally finds people don't make it right. Part of me will always believe that the compliments are for brownie points, but he did ask for more?

I also made some other goodies this weekend (what's post without images?)

Tomato, cucumber, and corn drizzled with garlic infused olive oil and some ground Himalayan salt.

bean salad: white kidney beans (rinsed well), with avocado, apple, walnut and feta cheese on top and a sweet balsamic vinaigrette (made with loganberry jam and fresh orange juice, balsamic vinegar, flax seed oil and garlic infused olive oil, and some local mustard)

tossed.



So, while I doubt I'll do this daily, as it would get repetitive, I think weekly or so it's a good exercise:

I still need to work on not binging. I need to work on not weighing myself. I need to work on not caring about my weight. I need to work on remembering I am beautiful without having the same body type as "that girl over there". I need to remember that I don't need to be the best or most at anything, including physically. Someone else's body does not make mine any better or any worse.

I am great at being happy and enjoying life. I am great at being a supportive, affectionate, and positive influence for K: and accepting his in return. I am beautiful, hot, cute, exotic. I am funny, witty, and smart. I can make people smile. I will do favors without any expectations of thanks or reciprocation. I speak my mind and believe in my opinions. I really enjoy my job, my friends, and my hobbies.

I?m a work in process, and I've got my flaws. I screw up sometimes and eat the wrong things, or too much. I will binge and purge sometimes, without really knowing why, despite how wasteful and self-destructive it is. I will criticize and judge myself and others sometimes. I will let myself loathe someone, or raise my voice in anger, or gossip. But I'm trying, and that alone ensures I can't fail; because nothing can be measured in absolutes in this world, and sometimes sincerely trying really is enough.